Author
Devorah Tockar, Social Worker and Mum of 5
This article is part 6 of an 8 part series- Parenting through a Neurodiverse Diagnosis.
Whhhaaatttt about meeeeeE?????????????????????????????
I screamed into the ocean, or my pillow, or whispered to my reflection in the mirror as I wiped my tears.
The lyrics from the song that Shannon Noll sung on the first Australian Idol TV show (originally by Moving Pictures) comes to mind sometimes.
“What about me? It isn't fair
I've had enough, now I want my share”
How do I keep getting to this point? Why might this happen?
Let’s look at the reality - we have overwhelming responsibilities that take a lot of time, we have the physical load of raising young children, the mental load of being on top of everything, we have an emotional load - our own, and at the very least, our partner's and our children's. We may or not be good at asking for help. Maybe we are feeling misunderstood, sidelined, invalidated, isolated and alone through this journey.
Personal Experience-
When I would look in the mirror during this process, I felt like I was seeing a shell of myself. I would look into my eyes, and they would stare back vacantly. I would go to bed exhausted - mentally and physically (with a mix of sadness, anger, feeling isolated) and I would wake up anxious, not fully prepared for what the day might bring.
Would we manage to get the kids to school without a fight? Would they all go? What meetings do I have? What phone calls do I need to follow up on? Am I going to be what (I think) my kids need me to be today? There were signs of overwhelm but yet I wasn’t able to step back to see how I could do things differently. And this is one of the reasons that I wrote this blog. I want to be the eyes for one person, looking in at your journey and holding space to say-
“You’ve got this. It is going to pass. You are doing your best AND that is enough. There will come a day when you look back at this process, hopefully proud of yourselves, and be able to breathe a very deep sigh of relief as you build yourself back up- stronger and more ready for the next challenge that comes your way!”
So how can we lighten your load? And by we, I mean you! Yes you. You know best what it is that you need and you are the best person to set the boundaries of your time and space to make that happen. What are your resources and how can you tap into them?
Resources can fall under three categories.
- What can I do for me?
- What connections do I have to others who can help me through?
- Who are the experts I can turn to?
What can I do for me?
First things first. Are you meeting your basic needs? Healthy food, sleep, exercise (if you haven't heard about the Healthy Mind Platter- now is the time). If your kids come home from school and you haven’t seen the sunlight, or had a glass of water, or proper meals then you won’t be in an optimal state to be able to respond to anyone else’s big feelings or dysregulation.Schedule in that self-care. Yep, add it to your calendar as a non-negotiable item (nothing gets between me and Pilates).
Whip out those coping strategies. What helps me cope? What has helped me in the past? This can include leaving the room and taking five minutes, washing your face with cold water, going for a jog, watching comedy skits etc.
Learn to be present. When it is hard, it is soooo hard. But when it is good, we want to take it in with every sense to make a positive imprint on our memory too. Being present can be pausing to acknowledge “This is realllllyyy hard right now. I feel the tightness in my jaw and my shoulders, and I can almost feel the hot air rising ready to explode”, but it can also be “This is so wonderful, I’m going to take it all in. Ahhh the sweet sound of laughter, the smell of sweaty baby hair, the weight of the hug, the mess that represents creativity etc”.
Keep those feet firmly on the ground. Try grounding techniques in moments when you are reacting or feel as though you are going to explode or implode. (grounding technique), wash hands or face with water, ice etc.
Find your flow. Try mindfulness when you aren’t in a reactive state. Colouring, journaling, dancing, find your flow! (video that explores this further). You can do it with your kids too!
Set Boundaries. Boundaries are healthy. When you communicate what you are comfortable, and not comfortable with, it paves the way for healthy interactions. Writing about boundary setting is not easy for me, as I find it difficult to do myself although, like all things- it is a work in progress and if I can learn, then so can you! What is a boundary? Can I communicate my needs for interacting with others? Ask yourself, what boundaries are easy for me to set? (no touching my computer, specific work hours, knock before entering a room), What boundaries are hard for me to set? When we understand the importance of boundaries to help us stay in a regulated state, then we are more able to establish them.
For example:
“When I finish my morning coffee, then we can have a chat”,
“Right now, I am taking time for myself in my room. I am doing this to regulate my overworked nervous system so that I am able to come back out and be supportive. I need my space alone in my dark room right now. Please shut the door”.
“I can see that it’s so hard for you when mummy goes out alone with dad/my friends, and that you want to come. It is not easy. My relationship with your dad/my friends is really important and I am going to invest in that. Would you like me to read you a book before I need to leave, or would you like a snuggle in your bed before I head out?”
“I can see that you are upset. You can express yourself in many ways, but hitting me/swearing at me is not one of them”
An excellent podcast on Boundaries (warning-there is one ‘f’ bomb).
Who are my people, and where are they at?
Tap into the friendships you have, or close family relationships or colleagues. If you feel this is lacking, there are ways to build it up.
Find people who you like to have fun with, go out dancing or to a show, or for a walk or to a gym class together.
Join a support group (in-person or online) to share your challenges and successes with like-minded individuals.
Have a couple of people who you can call or leave a message with where you can vent- A place to scream and shout or cry, to share your feelings with no filter, knowing that the person on the other line will not pass any judgement, but will rather hold space for you in that moment, validate your feelings, knowing that it will pass (find a venting buddy)
Who are the experts I can turn to?
Who do you have in your professional team?
Get the professional support you need. You will know when it is needed, or if others suggest it often enough then maybe that’s the time. It is a treat and an honour to be able to work with a therapist when it is the right fit for you. The growth can be exponential and heavy loads can feel so much lighter! Try it! Use your government funded mental health plan and be the best you that you can be for you!
This article is part 6 of an 8 part series- Parenting through a Neurodiverse Diagnosis.
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