"It is so dark in here. Please can someone turn on a light"?

In the beginning, we were unsure of what was going on. We are the same parents, parenting our child in the same way that we have parented our other children, but for some reason (and we aren’t sure what that is) our child is not in an optimal place. They are either sad most of the time, maybe they are having angry outbursts often- that end up with people getting hurt or items being damaged, maybe they are refusing to go to school, or refusing other activities. Maybe they are consistently having trouble sleeping, or socially. Maybe the school has called you in a few times to have a chat.

Chances are that the behaviours of this child are impacting the rest of the family in a big way. It could be that other family members begin stepping on eggshells when around this child, or subconsciously stepping out of the way and making their needs seem smaller so they don’t rock the boat even more than it's already being rocked. It could be that stress levels in your home are at an all-time high and it is impacting your relationship with your significant other as well.

We know the ups and downs that come with everyday parenting- this just seems a bit bigger. This one seems like we are not managing on our own, even with all the resources that we have at our disposal.

So, what next?

When I would describe my son to professionals I would tell them a story from when he was 5 years old. There was a parent evening at the school and we each had to pick out a picture that somehow connected to our child. I picked out a picture that was half in black and white and the other half was filled with vibrant colours. I said, “the world may see the black and white in a situation, but my son sees the beauty in all of its colours”. Three years later I was sitting in professional’s offices saying that my son’s light has dimmed so much, I fear for it extinguishing completely, or dimming to a point of no return.

Wherever he turned; at school during class, with his friends, with his siblings, extended family and even with his parents- everything was too hard and so it seemed as though he had given up on himself. Even a task that seemed simple like putting dirty clothes in the laundry basket, or even drawing on a piece of paper freely, he avoided doing at all costs, and the pressure would push him over the edge. 

And as you can probably imagine, it’s also a difficult space for us to be in. It impacted on his siblings who felt that it was unfair that he wasn’t ‘pulling his weight’ and every interaction was proving difficult for us as his parents too. We were deep in it, and unable to step back and see the bigger picture. We were in a reactionary mode, and also in a heightened state of alert and that wasn’t helping anyone. 

"Growth happens within loving relationships and his relationships were hanging on a thin thread"

 Okay, so you may or may not know that I talk to myself- a lot. Well, we all do, but I do it out loud. Here is an example. You can read it with your eyes or say it out loud- take it or leave it.

Repeat after me, as many times as you need-

“I am having a hard time because this IS HARD. My job is not to take away my child’s pain, but rather to walk alongside them on this journey. This is his journey, and I am here for the ride. I am not to blame, and I cannot fix this. I can and will do everything to support him through this but that does not mean I need to have all the answers, and the fact that I don’t right now is OKAY. I can do hard things. I have done it before, and I will do it again.”